I had my weekly appointment today. Last week Dr. V gave me a week off because of everything going on with my Mom. So I started back today and saw the NP Laura.
After dropping the kids off with Justin's parents I headed to Peoria for my appointment. I kept hearing sad songs on the radio and was constantly flipping stations so I wouldn't have to listen to them. Then during my appointment I'm told I'm going to have to have a bone marrow biopsy done very soon (which was later scheduled for this coming Thursday there in the office) to make sure everything is still going in the right direction. And I was also informed I will be starting brain radiation very soon.
Radiation? Where did that come from? This is the first I've ever heard about it being part of my treatment plan. And when I hear that word I immediately begin to fff-reak out, my mind jumps from one thing to another and I just about have a melt down right there in the room. I had a million questions running through my mind but couldn't really form sentences that made sense to anyone but myself. I've read so many other blogs of people going through cancer treatment and they have had radiation therapy but they have had it to shrink tumors - so that is what I immediately think of. I asked why I would be having it and LH told me that it's just part of my treatment plan and if I do have any cancer cells floating around in my brain this will kill them off and to not worry. By then, I sit up more in the chair and move about as close to Justin as I can without actually sitting in his lap. She asked if I had any questions - and then she went on to how it works. She said I'll be referred to a doctor at Methodist (my hospital of choice, or I could even have it done there in that office), and then go meet the doctor and go from there. She said it will be a medium to moderate dose and will be up to that doctor on how many treatments I'll have. Oh, and then she mentions about the mask. You have to wear a mesh mask covering your entire head and then have it hooked down so you can't move for the entire procedure. The thought terrifies me. My appointment next week is with Dr. V and we're supposed to talk more about the radiation therapy. As scared as I am about the whole thing, I just need to be strong for myself, Justin, and the kids.
Whatever it takes to stay in remission, I'll do.
She says she's sorry to hear about my Mom and how I'm doing and I about lose it. I try to talk and my voice breaks.
All my counts are rebounding which is great news. The paper is upstairs with all the numbers and honestly, I'm just too tired to go up and get it right now.
Then Justin and I walk out and one of my favorite receptionists asks how my Mom is doing. I mutter out, she passed away on the 2nd. She apologizes and I know she feels bad bringing it up. I don't want her to feel bad, she was just being nice.
I go to chemo and get in and out pretty much, all I was having was Vincristine so I wasn't there for very long.
Head out to the parking lot. Call Justin and try not to cry (he left and went to work since my chemo was going to be so short). Just feeling so stressed and overwhelmed. I used to call my Mom right after every appointment and then it hits me that I can't call her today. When stressed or worried I would call and she would calm my fears and makes things all right in the world.
Get back to Pekin and pick up the kids. I fed the kids lunch and put both down for naps. The mailman comes to the door with a package and then I'm flipping through the mail and see a letter addressed to me. So I open it and it's a letter from a granite and marble company trying to sell me a damn grave stone. Not something I needed to see today. And no, it wasn't just junk. The first lines of the letter said something along the lines of "We're sorry this letter hasn't come sooner, we wanted to give you time to grieve". They must have been given my name and address from the funeral home from the day we were there setting things up for my Mom's services. Seriously??? So I tossed the the mail on the stairs and went downstairs to lay down while the kids were napping.
And tonight Justin took Aly to tap and tumbling and I stayed home with Connor. Connor has a blister on one foot and a mark that looks like it's the start of a blister on the back of one of his legs. And I remember seeing a mark on his gums a few days ago that looks like a blister and I'm just a little concerned. And my first thought was "I'm going to call my Mom and see what she thinks". Oh my goodness, Kim. You can't. You can't call.
You can't call anymore.
And I just cry.
Justin and Aly come home and I tell him how I'm feeling. Aly tells me how much fun she had and it cheers me up and we talk about what all she learned. Then we put her to bed (Connor was already asleep) and then head to bed ourselves and now I'm working on this. I wanted to get all this out tonight. And now I'm crying again. I have my good days and my bad days, and today is definitely a bad day. I know I keep saying it, but I just miss my Mom so much.
So much.
I need to go to bed.
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