Somedays...

     I went in this morning for another cbc to check my counts to see if they had improved any since having the blood, platelets, and Neulasta shot on Tuesday. My platelets were 8 today and had been at a 10 on Tuesday. My white count was at 1.4 today and on Tuesday had been at 1.1. So my white count improved slightly but not much. This might be too much information and if so skip ahead - I'm currently having my "monthly visitor" so they said that would explain why my counts haven't gone up more. So after that I went to Methodist and had another Type and Cross done. And the plan for tomorrow is for me to be back at Methodist at 8 o'clock for 2 more bags of blood and more platelets.

Somedays I have a very hard time dealing with all of this. Somedays I still feel so angry about all this happening to me and ask myself what I did to deserve this. I questioned myself constantly in the beginning asking what I did wrong. I know now that that is just part of the process of all of this - to be angry with the world.  The sickness from the chemo, the not knowing of what all to expect in the future, the not having the energy to do things like before (cleaning, laundry, doing more with the kids). And honestly, the fear of this or something else coming up in the future and me not being around for Justin and the kids. There I said it - I think it some but have never said it out loud.  And somedays I'll see other women at Illinois Cancer Care that are obviously going thru the same stuff I am and I look at them and wonder how they seem so confident in themselves. I'll see them walking around with huge smiles on their faces and completely bald heads and they just seem so positive. There have been so many times I've been tempted to just say something to them - to tell them how nice it is to see the smile on their faces and how it improves my day so much. But I haven't - I have definitely been tempted though. Somedays I feel confident and somedays I just want to crawl back into bed and cry instead of putting my hat on and going out and facing the world.

But I am so incredibly thankful to be in remission.

Then today a very nice woman named Kim came up to me while Justin and I were sitting in the waiting room waiting on my cbc results. She said she saw I had a mask on and was curious if I was awaiting a stem cell transplant or was just immunosuppressed. We talked for awhile and I found out she had been diagnosed with Lymphoma and was going through chemotherapy also and we also had the same oncologist. We talked about how nice it was to be able to talk to each other about all we are going thru and how it seems like everyone else around us are so much older. She said she's been to the support groups but it's just so hard because she is always the youngest there and it's just not easy to talk to them. I told her I feel the same way, I haven't looked into the support groups much yet, I just still feel like I'm not completely ready for that yet. Eventually, just not right now.     

I'm just taking this one day at a time...today has been a good day and I'm feeling pretty good.

Tomorrow will be another long day so I'm heading to bed. I'll post more tomorrow.