The house is quiet...

       Both kids are sound asleep. Justin is asleep. I have 20/20 that I recorded the other night on in the background just for a little bit of noise. But my mind is just running.

I'm not ready for the weekend to be over. They always go by way too fast.

Yesterday didn't go as planned. I met up with my three sisters to decide on what headstone we wanted for Mom's grave (my brother said he wanted to leave this up to us girls to decide on so he didn't go with). We all agreed on one that we loved but then one changed their mind so nothing ended up getting ordered. It was tough. It was tough even walking in that place knowing what we had to do, but then leaving and knowing that what was supposed to get accomplished didn't was even harder. It's all just so final. I don't have any hard feelings towards my sister Connie over this, she is grieving in her own way. As we all are. I miss my Mom every minute of everyday. But one thing I always think about is that Connie took care of my Mom for the most part at her house before she was hospitalized the last time. As everyone knows, none of my siblings are close at all.  Even though we very rarely talk I still wonder how each is doing all the time, and I think of Connie. She has to be having such a hard time with this because she has to walk back into the house that our Mom was at so much of the time towards the end of her life. Again, I don't harbor any hard feelings towards her. We all need to do this for our Mom, and I know it will get done. But it's just tough.


I'm still sick with this cold. I'm assuming that I'm not getting better as quick as I usually do when I have a cold is because of being on the steroid. It seems like one day I'll feel a little better and then the next day I'll feel kinda crummy again. But I am off of it now so we'll see how I feel tomorrow and if not better than I'll call Dr. V's.


I always worry. I can't help it, I've always been this way.

I ended up starting to show signs right around this time last year of being sick -  but I didn't know it was cancer. My symptoms all seemed like a bad cold that just wouldn't go away. And then the enlarged lymph nodes appeared on my neck and I think I "knew" it was something more. I know my oncologist is right on top of everything and all is fine. But my mind still wanders back to a year ago. I can't live my life living in fear of the "what if's" and so on but still. I'm making sense in my own mind right now, not so sure I'm getting it explained so well though here. Do you know what I'm saying?

But one thing I do know for sure if that I am incredibly thankful to be here. To worry and all.  ; )


I'm tired. Aly has school in the morning and I think I'm going to try and get some sleep.


Goodnight.